LoTR Parody - Prt 1

1. Prologue

Once upon a time there lived an evil dark lord named Sauron who had a Ring that ruled the world. Then one day some Men and some Elves made an alliance and fought a great second-age battle against Sauron and his Orcs in Mordor at Mount Doom, the stakes being the fate of the whole entire world. There are lots of Elves are fighting lots of Orcs.

Orc Extra Number 28,952 wields a sword. “Rrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggghhhhhhhh!!!!” An Elf shoots him. The Orc cries out, “Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!”

A big guy in black armor with a breathing apparatus comes up to some Men. He is Sauron. Two of the Men are Isildur and Isildur’s father.

“I am Sauron! I am undefeatable!”

Isildur’s father replies, “Well I'm going to try to defeat you anyway!”

Then Sauron kills Isildur's father.

Isildur screams, ”You killed my father!”

“No, Isildur, I am your father!”

“Wait, that wasn't in the script!”

Sauron bellows, “I am Sauron, I do what I want!”

“Well I shall cut off your hand!”

“It is unavoidable. It is your destiny.”

Isildur shrugs. “Whatever blows your guts up, Sauron.”

Isildur cuts off Sauron's hand. Sauron explodes. Isildur takes the Ring.

Isildur proclaims creepily, “From now on all my descendants' fate will be bound to this Ring. It is unavoidable; it is their destiny.”

Some Orcs come up and shoot him. Isildur says “ouch” and dies.

As he dies, the ring falls in the river. Billions and billions of light years later, the creature Gollum picks it up.

Gollum hisses obsessively, “Precious, precious, ppprrrreeeecccciiiiooouussss!!!!”

Then Bilbo Baggins pops in and takes the ring from him.

Bilbo gloats, “My precious now!”

2. The Shire

Meanwhile, in the Shire 60 years later, Gandalf drives up in a cart. Frodo Baggins, Bilbo’s nephew, runs up in front of the cart. “Gandalf!!!”

Gandalf runs over Frodo. There is a big thump. Gandalf scratches his head. “Thumping hobbits, now where did that boy go? Let me get my spectacles... Frodo? Frooooddoooo!”

Frodo pops up from the ground. “Here I am, for a minute I thought you ran over me.”

Gandalf replies, “So did I. Well I heard it was Bilbo's 11,111th birthday so I thought I'd drop by.”

A bunch of hobbit children run up to Frodo.

Frodo sees them and says, “Oh, gotta go!” To Gandalf, he asks, “Can you give me a boost up to the cart?”

Gandalf replies, “Sure.” He then makes fireworks blow up in front of the children. “Missed them!”

Frodo sighs, “Again? darn...”

3. Bag End, the Baggins’ House

At Bag End, Bilbo opens his front door and sees Gandalf. Gandalf states, “You haven't aged a bloody day.”

Bilbo replies, “So much for putting it delicately, with my stomach and all. Come in, come in.”

They walk into Bilbo's house.

Gandalf gasps, “Ooh agh my nose!”

Bilbo says, “Oh, and watch the rafters.”

“Rafters?”

Gandalf hits head on the rafters. *gasp* “Ooh agh my head!”

Bilbo adds, “Oh and watch the chandelier.”

“Chandelier?”

Gandalf hits head on the chandelier. “Owww!”

Bilbo changes the subject. “Well I'm planning to up and leave, and live with the Elves... I want to see mountains again, Gandalf, mountains!”

“Yes, Bilbo, a—“

“MOUNTAINS!!!”

Both Gandalf and Bilbo fall silent.

4. Bilbo’s Birthday Party

At Bilbo’s 11,111th birthday party, there are lots of hobbits. They are dancing and drinking ale.

Frodo bobs up and down in a chicken dance. “I'm a hobbit bobbit!”

Sam stares blankly from a nearby table. “Ale... ale...”

Bilbo attempts to mount a barrel of ale but gives up. “Attention! I know less than half of you three-fourths of seven-tenths by more than ninety-nine one-hundredths of you more than that, and like as much as forty-four of nine-elevenths less than a very large number times a million and six!”

Nobody says anything.

Frodo is confused. “Bilbo, that doesn't make any sense!”

“Of course not.” He puts on Ring and disappears. Everybody cheers and claps wildly.

5. Back at Bag End, the Baggins’ House

The door does not open. Bilbo appears inside by the door. He tosses the ring into the air. He drops it and Gandalf appears.

“Ah! You scared me. Oh, there's where that Ring went. Hand it to me, will you? I can't reach it.

“No.”

“You lazy ox.”

Gandalf says, “I am not allowed to touch it.”

Bilbo is puzzled. “But you don't even know that it's evil yet!”

“Thank you. I'd been wondering about that.”

“Wondering about what?”

“If it was evil.”

“It's evil?”

“Yes, so I want you to leave it to Frodo when you leave.”

Bilbo is even more confused. “I'm leaving?”

“Yes, so leave the Ring to Frodo.”

“No! I can't do that! Leave this thing of horrible evil to Frodo? My Precious?”

Gandalf double-takes. “Precious? It's been called that before—“

“I was calling Frodo my Precious. But I think I better take the Ring with me.”

“I think it's best that you leave it here.”

“It's on the mantle, I mean, in an envelope, actually, in my pocket, well, truthfully it's in my hand, now it's on the floor. Bye.” He leaves.

Gandalf hits head on rafters. “Ouch.”

Then Frodo comes inside house and sees Gandalf smoking his pipe and mumbling to himself.

Frodo puts his hands on his hips. “Cut the crud. Where's my ring?”

“Now what kind of wizard would I be if I didn't look after my dear hobbits!”

“The kind that don't live here.”

“I had the sweetest chat with Bilbo about his trip. He's gone to stay with the elves. I must go and find some questions to answers that need questioning.” He leaves to do whatever he does.

6. The Green Dragon, the Hobbit Pub

Frodo and Sam leave the pub and go home.

7. Bag End, the Baggins’ House

The house is dark. Frodo skips through it.

Gandalf pops out. “Boo!”

“Aww, you're loud but you don't bite. Now, what can I do for you?”

“Well for starters you can get your curly butt down here and get me a Ring.”

“You come here after who knows how long without even a ‘Hi Frodo, remember me, the wizard’?”

Gandalf explains, “Well I just wanted to know if you wanted to go to Mordor with me.”

“Mordor? You?”

“Say we go there, to the very heart of Mordor, even if we only ever just talk about it.”

“Naw, we'll do it. We'll get chased by ringwraiths until we're sick of them, and be chased by Gollum until we throw up, and go meet the Balrog, right in Moria!”

“Whatever blows your hair up, Frodo. I went and read some really old papers by a dude named Isildur.”

“Enlighten me.”

“They said that the One Ring when thrown into fire would not be destroyed, or melted, but fiery words would appear. I threw your ring into the fire while you were gone and it didn't melt, so I knew it would take more than a little flame to destroy it. That's why we're going to Mordor, to throw it in a volcano. Oh and the words did appear. They said: insert finger here. But soft! It's Gamwise Samgee!

Sam appears. “Frodo, I'm sorry to bother you like this, but I was just weeding the spinach for our meal tomorrow and-- hey, I want to go with you to Mordor too!”

Frodo waves a hand. “Nah. But, thanks for stopping by.”

Gandalf clarifies, “No, we want Sam to come with us.”

“We do? Great!”

Gandalf gets ready to leave them. “I'm going to meet you at Bree but don't count on it.”